Fake News – Premear League

Dropping Down

Posted on January 18, 2015December 15, 2022 by Mr. Ears

The FA have ordered Shitfield United to clean up their pitch after many complaints from opposition teams. The groundkeeper shepherds just haven’t been doing their job and the pitch is over loaded with sheep droppings. Apart from the stench on the field its also affecting play because of the ball being slowed or diverted when passing over a pile of droppings.

The club now face heavy fines if they don’t get their pitch cleaned up, and on top of this another very poor season is likely to see them ‘dropping down’ another league.

Making a balls of it

Posted on January 18, 2015December 15, 2022 by Mr. Ears

Knittigham Forest supporters filled the stadium at the weekend for their home game against Leeds Unutted, which they hoped would see them out of 8 successive defeats. Fans gathered with their knitting almost expecting to lose but hopes were high that their team wouldn’t make another balls of it.

Previous games have been lost due to foolish mistakes, and this one was no different. The home side lost 3-0 because of preventable defensive errors, and in an act of frustration towards the end the home fans started throwing balls of wool at their own players on the pitch. By the time the full time whistle was blown there were so many balls of wool covering the pitch that it looked like a forest of knitting.

Huddle Formation

Posted on January 17, 2015December 15, 2022 by Mr. Ears

Throughout the season the Ba,a,a,arnsley manager has been experimenting with different formations. The 4-4-2, the 4-3-3 and the 4-2-4 formations haven’t really worked out so the manager has introduced the ’11’ otherwise known as the huddle.

The huddle works both as a defensive and an attacking formation. Defensively the players all huddle together like a herd in the goalmouth blocking incoming shots. For an attack the players including the keeper all huddle around the ball shielding it from the opposition then slowly move forward up the pitch and across the goal line.

Opposition sides have complained about the use of this formation claiming that it’s just not football and that it’s simply just ‘tyking’ the piss.

Lowest Attendance

Posted on January 12, 2015December 15, 2022 by Mr. Ears

Boremingham City’s crowd attendance reached an all time low at the weekend when they hosted visitors Leeds Unutted in a goalless draw. Only 1253 fans were in attendance who could hardly stay awake during yet another highly boring game. Throughout the season games have been so boring the crowds have slowly just stopped coming. Even for opposing home sides the prospect of a visit from Boremingham City just seems so unappealing, ZZZZzzzzzzzz…

Laughing Stock

Posted on January 12, 2015December 15, 2022 by Mr. Ears

The press have labelled Woolverhampton Blunderers as the laughing stock of the league due to their increasing amount of comical errors. In their last game against Millwool FC they conceded 2 goals while their keeper was too busy grazing to notice the ball roll past him, and just last week against Ba,a,a,arnsley the whole team herded together and began to follow each other around the field. Opposition fans are finding these games highly amusing and the Woolves manager now must take action to put an end to this comedy of errors.

Life Sentence

Posted on January 12, 2015December 15, 2022 by Mr. Ears

After years of playing in the top league of English football many feel that Wigon Athletic are finally back where they belong in the League Championsheep. Hanging on in the Premear League year after year just showed that they didn’t really belong there. The chances of them ever returning to top flight football are so slim that their recent relegation has been reported as a life sentence to the lower leagues.

Another balls up

Posted on January 11, 2015December 15, 2022 by Mr. Ears

Millwool FC hosted Boremingham City today in a game they lost 4 – 0. The visitors weren’t particularly good but the Millwool players just kept ballsing it up. What should have been two comfortable saves in the first half ended up being two goals as the ball passed under the keepers hooves once, and the other he was too busy grazing to notice the ball roll past. Two own goals in the second half finished the home side off who are now left contemplating yet another balls up.

Training with bones

Posted on January 11, 2015December 15, 2022 by Mr. Ears

The AFC Bonemouth manager introduced a new training method today just three days ahead of their next crucial match against Millwool FC. The coaching staff have had a very difficult time getting the players to run to where they are supposed to, and previous methods using sheep dogs haven’t been very successful.

The new method of throwing bones for the players to chase into positions seems to be working well. The concern now is whether or not they can perform what they have learned for real without the aid of bones.

Soccer Wooligans

Posted on January 10, 2015December 15, 2022 by Mr. Ears

A number of arrests were made this afternoon in and around the Leeds Unutted stadium after groups of known soccer wooligans were caught in head butting incidents. Earlier this afternoon on the pitch in their home game against Wigon Athletic, three leeds unutted players were sent off for headbutts on the opposition.

After the game the headbutting continued onto the streets where police came up against a barrage of rams. Greater heard control is clearly needed and plans to build separate viewing pens for the more aggressive rams are now being seriously considered.

End of season sun

Posted on January 10, 2015December 15, 2022 by Mr. Ears

As another dramatic season came to an end both managers and players welcomed the summer break. For many it’s off to the sunny beaches of Spain and the Mediterranean for rest and relaxation, but for the Blackpoo players it’s off to blackpoo beach for a shearing and some candy grass. So it’s hooves up for the rest of the summer until training resumes for another season in the League Championsheep.

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